Original here.
Revision below.
--
All Hallows
The day begins to fade. We
breathe the crunching air
of autumn.
Fallen leaves from ash and oak
produce a hollow
musk, fraught with
fungus, spiced with pine. Cider
changed to winter's wa
ssail. We turn
to witness the end of light
into blue-black night.
Trees spread their
shadows. Lost in the woods, our
hope is in the res
urrection.
--
Taking this to this month's writing meet-up. When I looked back at the original, I found more that I wanted to say.
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9 comments:
I suck at this kind of poetry, but when I copied and pasted this and just read it, I liked the content. someone else will have to tell you if the poem is good.
Glad to know you liked the meat.
The point of breaking the lines and words in odd places is to direct the reader's attention to not just the broken word (as a word), but also the fact and place of its brokenness.
Enjambment can also cause a closer examination of the text for formal reasons. In this, my reasons are mainly form related, fitting the words into my 7-5-3 syllabic stanza.
I liked the poem a lot - I also liked how the first time I read it I skipped over the "wa" and read "winter's sail." Which I liked quite a lot, not that wassail isn't also awesome.
Well done, B. Very autumnal. Now I'm craving a spiced apple cider, dammit...
Tracy -
Mmm. There was hot apple cider at my brother's wedding earlier this month. Good times.
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
B., I definitely can sense the craft in it, whether for expressive or pragmatic reasons. My brain just doesn't click with fragmented language, especially broken up words. It's definitely my own limitation, nothing to do with your poem.
Nevets -
I definitely understand that. I can count syllables and identify patterns for days, but rhythm and meter drive me bonkers.
Let me ask you this. Do you think it could be simply the concrete, jagged form of the poem that's causing the non-connection? I know it's been a minute, but the language in Eschaton was fragmented and oddly-joined.
B. - Good point. It is the physical rather than the syntactical fragmentation that's the issue. And I hadn't thought about it, but a concrete form probably does make it even harder because it's harder for my eyes to skip around and piece the pieces together.
Nevets -
So for you, the enjambment actually acted against its purpose, drawing you out of the wood, out of the lines. I apologize for that.
See if this one does you better. It's from way back.
Very nice! And no need to apologize. You can't write something like a poem for every reader. Not possible. And I know and am slowly coming to something sort of like grips with at least part of a little of my limitations. lol
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